Torrent of Rain

How does it feel when you're lost in a big, deserted city? Does it feel right? Does confusion and curiousness lead you back to where you belong? Is it another one of those "it was meant to happen" excuses? And what if you don't really "belong" anywhere?

Because that's exactly how I feel. I feel rejected by everyone. EVERYONE. My family, my friends, and myself. I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes, it really hard to put these things into words; but i'll try. So my family first. Everytime I'm around them, I try to make things go smoothly. I hate arguments. I try not to speak too much, because I've realized that speaking out my thoughts especially in front of my mom does me no good. But these tries just seem to never work. So I try shutting up. Being quiet and listening to everyone else talk together makes them think that I'm sad. But why the heck do they ALWAYS think I'm sad? Talking out loud makes me smile, but starts arguments. Keeping quiet is when I'm lost in my own little world, pondering about things my family don't even know what I'm thinking about. Which leads to curiousity. So to wrap this all up, I feel trapped. Trapped. The worst feeling ever. What am I SUPPOSED to do? I can't do anything right.

Second, I feel like I'm pretending to be a wanna-be me around my friends. I found out a few days ago that there were two complete, different sides of me. Around my friends I'm always smiling, hyper, and happy. But once I get too lost with myself, I start sensing a weird, unsual emotion that creeps up inside me, unable to stop it from overflowing. So trust is one thing. And it's one of those things I have the hardest times with. First impressions are always the best. People see me as a hyper, crazy girl who's never feeling down about anything. But they don't know me. I always feel that way. Sometimes, I talk to my friends online and type out all the stuff inside of me that needed to come out. They call this "emo." Is that a good or bad thing? I've never tried figuring it out for myself. When I turn "emo", my friends are always "worried" and "scared". I don't know why. Some people think I'm just lying and pretending that I'm sad and depressed. But, once again, they don't know me.

The last problem I have is with myself. I'm always going on and off. On and offfff. Is that a sign of something? What could "something" mean? I need to find out one day.

"I can't swim in this city; it's too shallow."