Torrent of Rain

Now we've got a big, big mess on our hands tonight.

<3

Hello blog.

If you really want to know the truth, life isn't that great right now.
The past month, I've been attending brief (sometimes) sessions with my therapist (Steven) and it helps a little. I wished I could find someone who has the time, and who I can fully trust. Not that I don't trust Steven, but it gets a little hectic.
So there's this occurrence that really bugs me right now. My bird flew away. Cricket, I mean. I just can't believe it. I didn't even get to say goodbye. He's been gone for two days now. I hope he is still out there somewhere, either surviving on his own or living with somebody who picked him up. My sister is going to post signs around town for him. Lost.

As of school, hm. Basically, it SUCKS. School can go to hell because it is seriously mentally damaging me and I am aware of it. Right now I have like NO A's at ALL.
Today Nak talked to me about progress report grades and he almost made me fucking cry because he was telling me that I would be shocked to hear that he'll be temporarily putting a B+ on my progress report. And the things that I've done "wrong" are: 1) Not fully participating in curriculum, 2) Not telling my "boss" (AKA ASB PREZ) what's been going on, 3) being rude.

OKAY. FIRST OF ALL. I DO FULLY PARTICIPATE IN CURRICULUM AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY THE FUCK THEY WOULD TELL ME THAT. They fucking PISS me OFF. And second, I am the fucking commissioner of diversity. I work on ongoing things such as historical/ cultural months and charities. THIS IS WHERE SENATE COMES INTO PLAY. Am I supposed to go up to her EVERY SINGLE DAY that "OH JUST A REMINDER THIS IS BREAST CANCER MONTH!!?!??!?!?!" DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. Just because I know what I'm doing doesn't mean that I don't tell her what's going on. I DO tell her. And wtf whatever. And third, that rude comment is so fake. The senior class prez probably just caught me saying something "rude" to my committee member or something JUST AT THE MOMENT when we were probably actually messing around with each other. Dude. But I do not deserve a B+. I've worked hard and have more pluses than checks. SO unfair.
Anyway, enough of this leadership shit. I don't want to deal with it.
(I feel like I'm beginning to talk like Holden Caufield. Ah, AP English teacher, what have you done to me? I've been morally corrupted)
Besides my literally failing grades, water polo even puts stress on me now. People are expecting way too much out of me. My teammates seem to have this slight grudge against me for some reason. Have I seriously gone insane? Water polo helps me force the pain out from inside me, though. So I guess it could be sort of a plus.
AND NOW, MY PIANO EXAM IS COMING UP IN JUST...16 DAYS. 16 DAYS!!!!!! I am so behind!! I really need to practice but this week, I've got homecoming float building, water polo practice, piano practice, games, and CRAPLOADS of homework.
Stressful. I wonder when I will reach my limit.

For now, I am just trying to stay alive.
Dear God, please keep me alive.

I swear, the last time I looked at the clock it was 9:50.
Anyway, I've been in the mood for blogging.

So.
Recently, I've been thinking about life SO much that I now I feel like I've gone overboard with it. It even seems like I've reached a point where you just can't think about it any further.
Right now, all I understand is this.
My mom is not happy. My dad does not care. My sister is following along. I'm supposed to practice hella piano. I'm supposed to get hella good grades. I'm supposed to (or I should have) practiced more out of the SAT II Chinese test prep so that I wouldn't have gotten the score I got. We are selling our house. I am wasting too much time online. All I have is time right now. Money does not exist in our vocabulary bank. Not until we're older and we become parents and get an official job.
So now...time. I swear I've had at least 6 different lessons at chinese school about "time."
It's all about "shi jian jiu shi sheng ming," which means time is life.

You can think about that yourselves. Now onto the things that I SHOULD be doing:
I should be practicing piano. I should be listening. I should be doing my homework. I should be concentrating. I should be caressing the time I have left in my youth. I should be sleeping early for school tomorrow. I should be writing this some other time. I should be getting better grades. I should be studying harder so I could get into a "good" college.
( To make this clear, according to my asian mom, a "good" college isn't a UC. It's not any regular, fine college. It has to be an ivy league of some sort. Or at least make it on the list for the top ten universities in the nation. )
Anyway, I shouldn't be going to parties, dances, football games, etc. I shouldn't be so selfish. I shouldn't be so rude.

I feel like I'm trying to help my mom relive her own life, because she didn't have the same opportunities as we do now.

I don't even know if there is such thing as the Truth anymore.

...I was six years old. Just moved to America. Living like most other immigrants who came from China, living in an old San Francisco apartment building. I still remember the day my mother locked me outside the apartment door at midnight because I was scared of ghosts. Because I bothered her from her sleep. The day I burned my finger when she taught me how to fry salted peanuts. The day when I made too many mistakes at piano class so that I got left sitting on the curb of a deserted street in Sunset, California.
Where do I start?
Right now, I am just so sick. So sick and full of the hatred and annoyance that are thrown at my face every, single, day. It's like a daily routine for her. Right now, it feels like my life can't get any worse than it already is. My parents are planning to sell our house. Yeah...WHAT?!!??! What in the world are they thinking? Do they have any sense left in their adult minds? And she says she's going to send me to China. Because she can't afford me. And because she can't afford to accept anymore of my selfish personality. She says she can't stand me anymore.
I think I'm glad that I only have two years left in high school. My parents just go fucking CRAZY when they're mad. Sometimes I don't know when they are, or if they are telling the truth. Even if we do sell this house, we still have another one. It's currently used as my mom and dad's office and art studio. But my mom says that there is no room for me to move in with them. And that's why she's deciding to send me off to China, off to some place where she will never have to see my face every day of her life again.
[Here's a random thought: The world seriously revolves around money. I thought it was supposed to include love. But love doesn't go round if money didn't exist. The system needs to change. That's what's causing our family to "break apart."]
Also, I really hope that not a lot of people read this entry because it is kinda personal. You know.
So back to what I was saying. One day I came home from school and saw that our front yard area that used to have bits and pieces of old grass was replaced with nothing but dirt. I was partly puzzled at this scene: Are my parents having people install new grass? Why would they? Are they finally tired of trying to grow grass?
The next day I came home and our front yard was filled with new grass. I pondered.
So that day, I was really busy with homework and since I'm taking pretty difficult classes. So I ignored the grass situation.

Today is Friday. Water polo practice was canceled because the boy's team had a game. When I called my mom, she was all happy until I told her that I was going to my friend's house to bake stuff for the bake sale during the car wash tomorrow. She got SO frustrated with me. So I took the bus home first to practice 45 minutes of piano, and then left.
My mom called me about 10 times while I was at my friend's house. She was so desperate for something I probably didn't have. I don't know. But she did get pretty darn angry. She screamed into the phone that if I wasn't home in 15 minutes, then I wouldn't be allowed into the house (or family). I told her the the bus only comes every 45 minutes or so around nighttime so she decided to pick me up.
It was a scary ride home. The whole way, she drove like she was drunk. I guess we were lucky that nobody reported us as having a drunk driver. She was not drunk at all, though. She screamed at me: "You're so stupid. You don't even know what goes on in this family. ou saw the new grass but you probably didn't even know what it's for. You're so stupid. You're breaking our family apart." So this is where I ask: Was I SUPPOSED to assume that she was selling the house? Is that such an easy thing to just guess from the top of my head?
And according to my mom, I'm the most selfish and uncaring person on the face of the planet. I'm the person with the black heart. I'm the one with the fake grip. So you probably shouldn't talk to me anymore, because I might just attack you and slowly eat your away your death.

Can we all stop pretending?!

In my notebook there are scribbles. In my eyes there are waterfalls. Inside there is a bomb of eagerness that wants to explode into the open for the chemicals to react. My fingertips are calling for the truth.

She is such a good liar.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
And man. I thought I trusted her too. But she is so good at faking.