The Wishing Well

You know that weird feeling you get in your stomach when you know something bad is going to happen? Like your friend is forcing you to go on this huge rollercoaster and you're scared, but you're going anyways? When you have to take a test but you didn't study? Yeah, that's it.

Summer is gone.

I don't even know how many times I've said it.. I DON'T want to go to India. I don't want to see death written on everyone's faces. I don't want to see my father being all sad. I don't want to go to any funerals or meet all these people I don't know. I don't I don't I don't. Maybe it's just because I'm confused. Maybe it's just because I never understood anyone since I never bothered to learn their language. Maybe I'm the one who's messed up. But it's probably because I'm scared.

And now I'm ranting.

Why don't parents or anyone teach you about death? Is it something you're just supposed to know? And you're supposed to know what to do when it happens? And what if they're on the other side of the world? I don't want to seem selfish. I never knew her that well, and I deeply regret not trying to get to know her. I hear my mom on the phone talking about all these.. things.. and I just can't listen. I think of everything I've read about death. It doesn't comfort me. Also the fact that it's in INDIA. That place.. is just.. I don't like it very much. Maybe I just don't know how to appreciate it.

Gah. And then the school thing. Now that I've met everyone at TIC, most of my "friends" only seem mediocre. It's just.. confusing. What do I do now? Who do I sit with at lunch? What about when I go back to Conflict Mediation? Will everyone hate me? Can they see that I'm a different person? Is it really that obvious?

There are some people with whom I was friends with before school ended, but somehow I don't feel the connection with them anymore. I feel really bad about it, but I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just wait until school starts again and see which of them are REALLY my friends. None of them seem to match the people at TIC.

Meh. I rant too much. This state of confusion is just bothering me.

For now, bye everyone! I'll try to update in India when I have time. ♥