the end?
The AP Chemistry Exam is finally over. Finally.
This past week has been something like a feverish hell. I have never in my entire life stressed to this extent over studying for one test - but at the same time, I have the strange satisfaction of having accomplished something, even if it was just sitting at my desk for 8 hours typing detailed chemistry study guides.
Having thrown my entire week into panic-studying, I realized that the thing I missed the most was making jewelry. It actually hurt me to have to put away my beads and tools over the weekend to sit down and read my textbook, when Saturday night should have been my one day of the week to create.
I’m exhausted.
Was it worth it? I should have felt relief after handing in the last segment of the test - all of the stress finally disappearing, leaving me light as air. But, shit, all I could think of was how unprepared I’d been, how so much of the studying I had poured myself into had been futile, and how miserably useless I felt when I realized that I couldn’t remember how to solve this problem or figure out how to write that equation.
After handing in that last segment, I felt…nothing. Tears of frustration? Panic?
It is not good enough for me to come this far and fail partway. I have struggled this entire year to stay awake in class and find the time and motivation to get my work done, all while keeping my morals in one piece. Whatever is keeping me going, there is already a crack there - this whole year I’ve refused to break, but if that letter comes in the second week of July and tells me that I worked this hard to be “not good enough,” I’m going to snap.
I was 1 point away from a 5 on the AP simulation test. 1 point. All I felt was my brain plummeting into ice - I don’t know what I’m going to do if it happens again.
Too bad finals are coming up. All I want to do is sit down with my beads and origami paper and fantasize about making jewelry to match my friends’ undecided prom dresses.