More than ever, there is an incessant need, a nagging, constant feeling, in the back of my mind.

Sometimes, all the time, I want to break down. I never did consider myself strong. (In fact, I wonder if I consider anything of myself, without actually looking for it. I have always been able to make myself think something. Describe for me a memory, and in seconds I won’t remember if it’s mine or yours. Imagination is my jester. I can make me see myself as…almost anything.)

I can even convince myself that I can jump onstage and make an actress of myself. I think we all know that’s bullshit.

The American ideal is to believe in yourself, to have confidence in everything you do. But then again, America is found wanting in numerous senses - education standards and health care, to name two, and then in self-esteem we rise to the occasion.

It’s an ideal I can’t follow. Results first, and then reason to feel confidence.

Overconfidence is destruction, in my world. Emotions and imagination take me too high. When I fall, I shatter. I can’t express how much that disgusts me. Two parts of myself, Yin and Yang, laughing at each other as the circle turns, turns, turns…

Two parts that do not work together, but rather drag one another along. A constant pitiful state.

There is always a balance. I will crack, but I won’t stop. I can break down and cry, but I’ll drag myself along because…there is always some part of me that has more to do.

I’m frustrated. Terribly so.

And ranting.

Posted by Alina at 8:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My dad came back from China couple of days ago. My cousin’s fiance in Shanghai sent me some very lovely presents, and Tansen and I both got new black sunglasses (lolmatrixday).

Yesterday I was digging around in my closet to look for cloth that I could use to make a pouch for my sunglasses. Nothing fancy, just something I could sew together to protect them from scratches.

I found a piece of lovely blue cloth from Hong Kong, as labeled in the corner, with white chrysanthemum embroidery on it. Three years ago, my friend brought a huge bolt of it to ATDP Intro to Drawing and Design, on the day when our teacher, Alexis, was showing us how to make drawing books with cloth covers. A couple of our classmates forgot to bring cloth so he shared generous sections of his with them. I did remember to bring my own cloth, but one of my classmates who borrowed some let me keep his extra.

The piece I kept is maybe two square feet, a border on two sides and unsewn along the other edges. Not enough to make anything bigger than a pouch or small book cover. I ended up folding it up and putting it away again, untouched from how I found it. The sunglasses have their own little pouch in the handbag that my cousin’s fiance bought for me.

Such a pretty piece of cloth. I can’t bear to throw the silly thing away, I love it so much.

I wonder if my classmates still remember how to make drawing books with cloth covers?

Posted by Alina at 6:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I’ve never been so into a nationwide political event before. Election day results had my stomach fluttering with excitement for about four hours.

Kudos to McCain for a supportive and gracious ending speech and for intervening with his support crowd’s booing.

Obama made a wonderful speech to what looked like all of Chicago crowded into one park. He is an amazing public speaker. I, a hardcore pessimist, admit feeling hope after listening to him address his audience, the American people.

Still waiting for news on the California propositions. Please, please, no on 8. This is the only situation I can think of where no matter how hard I try, I can’t think from the other side of the debate. Prop 8 is less about banning gay marriage than it is about banning human rights. Where will we be next, discussing the rights of interracial couples in this day and age?

Also crossing my fingers for a yes on 2. Costs will rise, but we are trading money for health, clean food, and animal rights. It’s irrelevant that these animals are being raised as food, they have a right to be raised in health. Plus, if we are what we eat anyways…

Much to do. Still excited, but I put off a lot of homework so I could watch the news.

Posted by Alina at 9:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

AHS TOP QUARKS WON!!!

::confetti::

Posted by Alina at 11:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)